Kieran Healy

Things I Can’t be Wrong About

Since Descartes’ cogito ergo sum, philosophers have thought that the content of our own conscious experience is the most indubitable thing each of us knows. Based on some recent experiences, however, I am willing to risk adding at least two more more things to the list.

• Whether the Taxi is outside my house.
  My house is hard to find. I have had several conversations that go like this:

  Dispatcher: The driver says he’s outside your house now.
  Me: Well, he’s not.
  Dispatcher: He says he’s right there on Plumer.
  Me: I’m right outside my house at the moment. He’s not here. Believe me.
  

  
  


• Whether you have the Wrong Number.
  I recently had the following conversation.

  Me: Hello?
  Caller: Yeah, is Marty there?
  Me: You’ve got the wrong number.
  Caller: What?
  Me: You’ve got the wrong number.
  Caller: (irritably) Are you sure?
  Me: Yes! Of course I’m sure!
  Caller (annoyed): Well I know I dialed the right number.
  Me: Well I’m telling you you didn’t.
  

  
  The inevitable followup, of course, comes 15 seconds later when they phone again.
  

I’m trying to think whether there are any other interactions that are candidates for this category. Any suggestions?

How about, “there’s a link between al Qaeda and Saddam Hussein?” Wrong number; taxi not here.

Ok, hold on. Marty! Hey, Marty!
Marty wants to know who’s calling.
This is Bob.
Marty, its Bob!
Bobbb!
Bob, Marty says he’s busy now, and he doesn’t want to talk to you.
He says don’t call back, he’ll call you later this week. Sounds like you really did something to him, I haven’t seen him this angry in a long time. Bye

Interesting that both examples rely on the experience of using a telephone.

In fact, I’d offer that you know when your phone is dead. But, of course, only if you’re trying to use it.

Many exist. There is a country singer, Bill Engvall, who commited an entire album on these interactions. The lyrics of his song, “Here’s Your Sign” are especially salient.
Here’s Your Sign

And who could forget George Carlin’s humor? He tends to deal more with institutional or inherent interactions of this nature. “Why do we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?”

Well, I’ve had this feeling when someone tells me something like, “But you said yesterday that your mother’s name was Emily.”

Now sure, I can be wrong about things, but why would I say my mother’s name was Emily when I know perfectly well it isn’t? This happens every once in a while with things that I know I couldn’t have said because I know I’ve never believed them.

How about this?

Caller: Is Marty there?
Me: What number were you trying to reach?
Caller: 555-1234
Me: Sorry, you rang 555-1235

Much easier.

Whether the cable guy came to my apartment. They were supposed to show between 12 and 4. I’m there the whole time. I call cable company at 4:15.

Me: Your guy never showed.
Them: No, he came at 3:15, no one was there.
Me: I was here.
Them: No, he called in and said no one was there.
Me: What address was he at?
Them: [correct address]
Me: That’s the right address, but he wasn’t here.
[continues for about 10 more exchanges]

I’m still not sure what happened. At first they wanted to punish me by not scheduling another appointment for 2 weeks, but they ended up giving in and scheduling the next day. The next guy showed up half an hour early, fortunately I was there.

A had quite a good one about twenty years ago, working as a bus boy in a restaurant in Boston. Bus boy rule #1: Don’t talk to the diners. But this guy apostrophized me, so I replied. He looks at me, and goes:
“Are you DANISH?”
“No, English, actually.”
Pause. Pointing at me: “Well, your ACCENT’S Danish.”

The best is later being told of one’s antics while drunk at a party some time previous, where one was observed singing Queen songs with a gaggle of similarly inebriated Russians from next door, but at which time one was in fact in the midst of a month-long trek through the Andes.

I’ve had a few deja vus with this one:

STUDENT: Are we having class on Thursday?
ME (the teacher): Yes.
STUDENT: Are you sure? Because my friend said it was cancelled…

how about this one?
I had scheduled on Monday to have the cable co install cable in my house on Friday. I waited all day and they never showed up. So I called the office and asked what happened….they said they called me Thursday to verify the appointment and since I wasn’t there, they cancelled it.

Huh?

I’ve had a situation like that. I’m trying to register for another semester of school and the clerk asks for my SS#.

Me: 123-45-6789
Clerk: That’s can’t be right.
Me: Yep, it’s 123-45-6789.
Clerk: No, that can’t be your SS#.
Me: Well it is, I’ve been attending this school for X years, and it’s always been my SS#.

She eventually realizes that I got my SS# from out of state. This is a community college BTW.

I have had ine of these:
Someone:are you (Someone-elses name)
Me: no
Someone: Are you sure
Me: yes
Someone: No, you are (Someone-elses name)
Me: No, I am (my name)
Someone: no .
me yes.

This carried on until the person who they thought i was appeared. I am white, they were black,so I don’t know how we could have been mistaken for each other visualy, i mean? p.s nothing racial meant at all.

In the spirit of wrong-number aporia, it’s possible that the number you have was once someone else’s number. I’ve had the same cell number for the past eight months, and I get regular calls for a ‘Jay’ and someone else. Sometimes I get these indignant voice mail messages, where the caller, after having not spoken on phone to this person for at least eight months, is pissed that Jay isn’t home.

Things I can’t be wrong about:

Whether the package has been delivered.

Our new house was on a new road so it wasn’t in any of the standard address databases. Our mail and packages often went to a town halfway across the state that had the same road name. This used to create depressingly frustrating (and, in retrospect, hilarious) phone calls with vendors and shippers about where our packages were.