[Originally published in the Daily Princetonian, Spring 1997]

Last week in this paper the Campus Crusade for Christ ran an advertisement about other religions. It was a masterpiece of incisive wit, theological sophistication and ecumenical openness. 'To those who say all roads lead to God,' it read, 'we say - Liar! Liar! Pants on Fire!' Subtle is the Lord, I suppose. It even quoted Bertrand Russell, of all people, to the effect that either only one religion is true, or none are. The devil quotes scripture with ease, but this was the first time I'd ever seen the reverse happen. I imagine Russell rustled gently in his grave.

When something so asinine shows up in the newspapers there are a number of ways to react. Often, the best strategy is to ignore it in the hope that it will go away. Unfortunately, this ad was only the latest in an increasingly annoying series of attempts by the CCC to convert people. I tried to remain disinterested, but their brand of bland, self-satisfied dogmatism finally managed to get up my nose. My friends say I'm too sensitive for my own good, but even the Old Testament wishes 'woe unto them that are wise in their own eyes and prudent in their own sight' (Isaiah 5:20).

A second option is to have a talk with those involved. Although groups like the CCC usually welcome such opportunities, experience has taught me that this is usually unsuccessful. Come along to our weekly meeting, they say, and see what we're really like. I once did this at a different University, but things didn't work out. My basic question was, what's the bare minimum I have to do to get into Heaven? I was told that wasn't the right kind of question. I said that if good people get an eternal reward, but some people are better than others, then it follows that Heaven must have some sort of door policy. Is it black tie only or simply shirts must be worn? This argument was not well received. Esto peccator et pecca fortiter, sed fortius fide et guade in Christo, I said, but to no avail.

A third possibility is moral outrage, a perfectly justifiable response in this case. When the CCC says all people professing other religions are liars, it may be time to reach for your favorite quotation about extremism. Robert Kennedy, for example, said that 'what is dangerous about extremists is not that they are extreme, but that they are intolerant. The evil is not what they say about their cause, but what they say about their opponents.' It's one thing to say someone is misinformed, or even wrong, but calling them a liar implies that they are wilfully hiding the truth rather than just honestly holding a different opinion. On this view, Moslems actually know that Jesus is God, but feel obliged to lie about it in public. But really, treating 'Liar! Liar! Pants on fire!' to a measured rebuttal gives it rather more grace than it is due. After all, you wouldn't use your copy of the Constitution to squash a cockroach. You'd roll up an issue of the Princeton Tory instead.

In the end, the only way to deal with the CCC (an acronym distressingly reminiscent of the KKK, but never mind) is to respond in kind. So, I've decided to start my own religion. I'm taking this opportunity to announce the creation of the Campus Crusade for Cats, America's newest and truest belief system. The CCC is founded on the premise that the domestic cat is the one true pet. In today's depraved world, people often claim that all household animals satisfy the same universal pet-owning urge. To these heretics we say, Meow! All other pets are false pets, and their owners have left the catbox of salvation for the kennel of despair. Consider dog owners. Have you ever met one who wasn't under the impression that their mutt was some sort of genius? Forgive them Lord, for they know not what they do. Or take ferret-keepers. A ferret is an evil-looking animal if ever there was one, a true minion of the Devil.

Our creed is simple; our catechism undogmatic. We worship the Great Kitty. Other domesticated fauna of Satan are to be cast into the wilderness, where there will be much wailing, barking, chirping, oinking, bleating, mooing and gnashing of teeth. We await the second coming of the Great Kitty, when all false pet owners will be judged and (believe you me) found wanting. We are constantly vigilant against the Anti-Pet, who may appear at any time. In order to join us you must first be put to sleep by a Church Veterinarian, so that you may pass through the catflap of the Lord and be born again into the great litter of our community.

The CCC does not discriminate by race or gender. However, in accordance with tradition (and following the lead of other such organizations on campus), women will not be allowed to own pets. Instead, they will serve the Great Kitty in a separate but equal way by cleaning out the litter boxes. I will be running a series of advertisements over the next few weeks detailing the CCC's position on spaying, declawing and the relationship between long-haired and short-haired sects. In the meantime, potential converts should contact me in my capacity as the alpha kitty. I will be happy to give them a bag of IAMS, their first round of shots and a copy of our official Andrew Lloyd-Webber hymnal.